I had a friend who was a prima ballerina. She was gifted and highly disciplined. Yet when it came to men, if they made the smallest of mistakes she went directly to the “F.U.” kick. No questions asked, no defense heard. It was the only movement she did repetitively.
I understood her philosophical theory, and I also watched as one man after the next made a stubble or hard fall. They liked her. They cared about her. She was so guarded, that she automatically chose “preemptive dumping,” before anyone could dump her.
I found it ironic that the same gifted dancer only utilized this sole step in her dating life. Highly intelligent and breathtakingly beautiful, the “F.U.” kick was her automatic response to any unlikeable situation. It made me wonder how many others, possessing fewer charms of seduction, performed the same kick in their mating dance.
The problem was, her romantic “dance step” was coming from fear.
Not an organic movement from self-esteem, it was the result of an inward self-attack. She wanted love and partnership. She was scared to death of being hurt. So, she chose to take control by hurting those around her, first.
The “F.U.” kick has a definite time and place. It’s earned by the recipient for exceedingly bad behaviour, and serves as a reminder never to do that to us, or anyone else. It’s the sting that lasts, and hopefully activates insight and correction. It’s not an everyday dance move. That’s just lazy.
The next time tempted to apply the “F.U.” kick when under pressure, I urge you to try another approach. Since you’re ready to bail, why not try something new?
Did you ever consider telling the truth? What a novel idea. It’s not a weak move. Actually, it’s very powerful. Everyone knows what’s going on and all the cards are on the table.
Now, all the information your partner needs to make a correction is available… if they’re willing and able.
You can always do the kick, if necessary. But first, consider trying what may be a far more sophisticated move. Speak your truth. It may feel uncomfortable, but don’t confuse discomfort with weakness.
You’re in the process of growing and expanding your abilities. Honesty creates honesty intimacy. In revealing who you are, what you need and how you need it, you give the other person a chance to step up.
Everyone’s afraid. No one wants to be hurt. Often it’s in the admission of our feelings, that our partner gains the security to try again. We’ve given them a reason for hope— to continue with us and to care about us. Then, there is a breath of time in which to see what dance step we next take.