You want to reconnect NOW. You fear if too much time lapses your ex will move on to someone new. Like a lost child you wait in place… hoping they’ll return.

The automatic response to an unwanted breakup is to stay frozen. We fear any forward movement will break the ties that bound us to our mate. If we just stay in place they’ll know where to find us. So we wait. And wait.

The action we need to take is contrary to our instincts:

Forward movement is the action needed to bring about a reconnection. This can only occur with ‘time apart.’ Both partners must have changed in order to reunite after their breakup. Two different people need to emerge from the rubble of “what was” to create “what will be.”
The issues that destroyed the initial partnership must have been fully addressed and a new game plan put into place before real connection can flourish.

Relationships are similar to being on a teeter-totter. When one partner shifts, the other must shift in correspondence. If we refuse to shift our position, joint balance is lost along with our connection. If we don’t shift, there’s no way we can come together again.

The remedy:

We must allow Life to change us. Our partner’s changed. Now, it’s our turn. We need to move in harmony with the new input we’re experiencing to create an updated version of our “better self.”

In becoming a new and improved version of one’s self, the energy of “what was” (that didn’t work) can shift to “what is possible” (and does work). Each partner needs to see the other with new eyes and a fresh perspective. This is how a new relationship is created from the ashes of the old.

Our work:

Whatever complaints or resentments were at the core of our breakup must be reexamined. A broader view is required. That includes taking responsibility for ‘our part in it,’ and owning our actions in the breakdown of the partnership.

A new vision:

When we look at our former issues from the ‘eagle’s view,’ we gain true clarity. From that all-encompassing perspective we begin to understand the reasons for our partner’s actions, and better understand our own.

This doesn’t mean that we agree with all the choices our partner made. Nor are we required to agree with the actions they took in response to those feelings. It simply means that we’re willing to see the events that took place from a more balanced perspective.

A new relationship:

Reuniting after a breakup is a possibility when we’re willing to listen (and hear) what our partner’s been saying, and willing to honor what happened for them in that experience. This generosity of spirit creates a bridge for reconnection. Resentment is lessened in the act of understanding. An opening has been created for love to flow in, and out, again.

Two new people:

Getting back together after a breakup is a process in which two new people fall in love all over again. Having transformed our former selves, we rediscover the organic parts of the person with whom we originally fell in love.

“To find the greatness within our beloved requires our rebirth, with theirs.”

We can never create anything new with the broken pieces of the old. There will always be visible remnant cracks. To create anew, we must each be reborn.

What didn’t work, fell apart. What works, will be discovered. This thoughtful process of reconnection creates the pathway to a new love that can survive.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-winter/how-to-get-back-with-your_b_10926138.html