Before stepping out into the world of dating, you’ll need to create your vision. You may have just left a disastrous partnership. Or, you may be in the process of getting clear on what you want in light of your past dating experiences.

Whatever your starting point, it’s a good idea is to formulate a “best-case scenario” plan that works for you. It “works” because you already know it works.

Here’s a simple tool to figure out your vision. It defines what you want and what you don’t want. Then, transforms your “I-don’t-want-this” into its positive opposite. This vision technique pulls from the past and reformulates the undesired into a positive vision for your future. I advise my clients to begin this vision by getting out a paper and pen. Old school? Yes. Effective? Absolutely!

  • Start with a clean notebook. Write down the things that you’ve had in the past that you liked and worked well for you. It’s a way of coming in on a positive note and enables you to feel empowered by your past. There had to be good things you liked. Making this list and seeing it in your handwriting is a powerful tool. You’ve already had good experiences. Acknowledging those things that were especially wonderful in the past allows you to bring them into your future.
  • Write out the positive, good, and wonderful things you experienced in past dating/relationships.

For example, here’s a list of my past boyfriends and the things I appreciated in our relationship:

1. Ex- A—-Protective and decisive. I felt safe and secure in his presence. I knew there was a strong man by my side, who had my back. His love was powerful in its constancy. The quality of protection and decisiveness allows me to feel like the woman, and relax in my own power.

2. Ex- B—-Great sense of humor. He diffused difficult situations with his humor and perspective. He knew how to “handle me” when I was in turmoil. He brought out the best in me. We laughed, played and had fun. The quality of humor and diffusion allows me to “lighten up” while still being effective in the day-to-day world.

3. Ex- C—- Interested in my main areas of interest at that time. We united in our joint exploration of spirituality and psychology. He was a true partner in those areas of my life and actively took part in lectures, seminars and workshops. It allowed us to be together, and on the same page with the same goals. The quality mutual interest creates cohesion and partnership growth.

4. Ex-D—– Aligned creativity and dynamic Artistic discussions. We ignited each others interest and understanding of our professions. We were excellent as a creative team, and helped each other expand, individually. The quality of aligned creativity inspires and excites me.

5. Ex-E—Down to earth and real. Served as a stabilizing force in my life. His clear thinking and easy disposition helped me to handle some difficult career decisions. I found a place to relax with him, and enjoy my private life while in the midst of outer friction. The equality of “real” provides stability and ease.

  • Then, add another section. “Things I Desire.”
  • Write the qualities you must have, and how they will look in real life.

Here is where you transform your “what I don’t want list.” It’s the upshot of why past relationships ended, and the clarification of what you’ve learned you must have in the future. But, instead of framing it from the negative, you frame it from the expectant positive.

1. I have “x.”

“X” is the quality you want to experience. It could be such things as: honesty, fidelity, generosity, successful life and lifestyle, sensitivity, time for me and time for our relationship. Whatever it was that you didn’t get, this is the place to add it into your vision. In writing these individual qualities make sure to add a sentence or two that shows how that would look in the real world. For example, if you used the quality of ‘honesty’ as your “x” it might be framed like this:

 I’m not afraid to speak up and relay my feelings. Neither is my partner. There’s honesty at the heart of this relationship. We have an easy, open and natural communication.  We both feel free to discuss whatever’s at hand. We come to an understanding that works for us. Honesty is a major factor in our ongoing growth and connection. 

When you combine what you’ve had with what you want, you get a winning formula. That’s the vision for your next romantic encounter. This simple exercise clarifies your thoughts and automatically activates your subconscious.

When we know what we want, there’s a natural “calling in” of those qualities. We’re sending out a frequency that is honed-in on those things, and we easily observe their presence or absence in new people we date.

The important part of this exercise is to keep it focused on the positive. That’s what activates the positive response in our mind. People often enter romance with emotional wounds from their past only to see them replayed in their new dates. The reason for that is because what we’re focused on, is what we create. By shifting the vision to what we want to see, we create the possibility of realizing it. By recalling known successes of our past, we have proof we’ll attain these again in our future.