By Susan Winter
All humans have innate intuition. Yet no one’s cornered the market on this gift better than women. We may not know why we don’t believe what our guy’s telling us, but something about what he’s saying or how he’s saying it just doesn’t add up. We feel it.
How far do you want to go to figure out the truth? If it’s a case of presumed infidelity, you need to know. But what about the smaller things that he says (or doesn’t say) that bother you? Picking your battles is a question each woman must decide for herself.
There will be times we all want to alter or omit information. Telling the “whole truth” can lead to unnecessary upset and unwanted arguments. Day in and day out, we all submit to our own little lies to protect someone’s feelings, whether it’s turning down a movie with a friend or making an excuse for something we don’t want to do.
Honesty is wonderful when managed with tact, diplomacy and wisdom. Brutal honesty is often a double-edged sword. It allows for complete transparency and ideally forges a closer bond. But humans have underlying insecurities and fears that can easily alter one’s best intentions when “telling all.” What should be an honestly stated and understandable scenario can quickly turn to something harmful.
Here’s are 5 tips to decode lying:
Elaboration: Novice’s use elaboration. They tell their story in great detail… like you might if you had to tell your boss why you were late. “So, why didn’t you pick up the phone last night?” you might ask. You hear an elaborate story filled with unexpected events and dramatic factors. A litany of details is a dead give away that it’s a lie.
Eyes shift to the left: Before concocting a story a liar will shift their eyes to the left. This is an old-school “tell.” It means he’s thinking of an excuse. When trying to remember an event we shift our eyes up and to the right.
Evasion/Deflection: He has to leave. Can’t talk about it now. Has to make a call or late for an appointment. It’s the guy version of running away.
The Turn-around: He shifts the questioning to you. He asks where you were or whom you were with, accuses or attacks you.
Omission: He answers your question, but only in part. He says enough to satisfy you, but you sense there’s more. He may admit he went out drinking with his buddies, but omits the part about the strip club at the end of the night and the lap dance. Not because he did anything to harm you but because saying this will upset you and possibly start a fight.
Guys have been taught to lie. From the first time a baseball went through the neighbor’s window to what happened with their dad’s car, telling the truth has come with a guaranteed punishment.
So maybe the better set of questions to ask is how comfortable do you make him in telling you the truth? If you want a guy to feel safe to tell you the truth, you have to set a template for this new reality. You’d need to listen. Hold back on the judgment and just let him speak. Short of sleeping with your best friend, most guys lie to keep the peace in a relationship. Let him talk, and try to hear what he’s saying. You might not like what you hear but you’ll have set the stage for honest communication. And, you’ll have valuable information.
The more men fear our response, the less truth they’ll tell us. The more they feel they can tell us the truth without dramatic fights and verbal abuse, the safer they’ll feel to tell us the truth when asked. You can’t work on fixing a problem if you don’t know what’s going on. The truth will give you the information you need to make a true assessment of the situation and your subsequent actions.